September 27, 2008
Botox and NumbskullsBy Jan LaRue
You have to wonder how thoroughly the FDA tested Botox before approving it for use on human heads. Evidence is mounting that the magical face-lift potion affects the brain, and that even non-users may suffer from second-hand Botox. Or maybe I'm just trying to give some Hollywoodites, politicians, and talking heads a break by making an excuse for their buffoonery.
Think about it. Botox is a protein derived from botulism toxin, which is a paralytic illness. I'm thinking anyone who wants it injected anywhere near their brain has deeper problems than wrinkles.
When low doses of Botox are used, it actually paralyzes or relaxes facial muscles, giving the recipient a clean, smooth facial appearance. This is where it's gone askew-it's only safe in low doses.
There's been serious over-medicating at this chemical fountain of youth. It's penetrating skulls and paralyzing frontal lobes. And the smoother the forehead, the more oblivious they are to their denseness. What else explains the daily deluge of drivel?
Take Sen. Joe Biden. Who can keep up with this guy? On top of too much Botox, some quack lifted his eye lids so much he looks in the mirror and sees Confucius, except he sounds like Costanza, Seinfeld's slow-witted sidekick.
Biden said Hillary Clinton may have been a better vice presidential pick than he. That paying more taxes is the patriotic duty of the rich. And, he encouraged wheelchair-bound Missouri State Senator Chuck Graham to stand up at a campaign rally.
I haven't checked since I started writing this, but Biden's most recent and best gaffe yet was in an interview with Katie Couric on Monday night. Biden said: "When the stock market crashed, Franklin Roosevelt got on the television and didn't just talk about the princes of greed. He said, ‘Look, here's what happened.'"
Is Botox causing our potential vice president's brain to atrophy, or did Biden see a satellite rebroadcast of a long-lost episode of The Twilight Zone guest-hosted by Franklin Delano Roosevelt before he became president? Maybe everybody else missed it because couch potatoes were hogging the remote at the time.
Couric let Biden's goofiness pass without comment. Imagine if it had been Sarah Palin instead. Couric and her liberal media pals are convinced Palin isn't qualified to be a heart-beat from the presidency," but they're quite comfy with giving Biden access to our nuclear codes.
Actress Laura Linney received an Emmy Award last Sunday night for her portrayal of Abigail Adams in HBO's outstanding series, John Adams. At the end of her acceptance speech Linney said, "I just have the most tremendous respect for anyone who serves their community. Our founding fathers were community organizers. And that is fact to me. And I feel that has been disparaged."
Linney's performance was undoubtedly worthy of the award, but I wouldn't bet on her against any of the kids on Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?
The next one is more likely due to comatose celebrititis, though secondhand exposure to Botox is always a threat in Hollywood. According to the AP, Paris Hilton, 25, tried to explain her most recent drunk-driving arrest to radio host Ryan Seacrest this way. "Hilton said she was ‘starving because I had not ate all day' and possibly ‘speeding a little bit' in her Mercedes-Benz SLR on her way to grab a bite. ‘I was just really hungry and I wanted to have an In-N-Out burger,' said the one-time pitchwoman for Carl's Jr."
If you've ever had an In-N-Out burger, you can almost excuse her conduct, especially if you "had not ate all day." The word on the street is she's auditioning for a "Hooked on Phonics" commercial.
Obama must have been thinking about Hilton when he referred to giving a kid with asthma a "breathalyzer test." Is he suffering from Botox overload, or has he been watching too many reruns of Ghostbusters? What else explains why he saw some of America's "fallen heroes" in his Memorial Day audience in New Mexico?
On Meet the Press, host Tom Brokaw asked the perpetually perplexed House Speaker Nancy Pelosi about "Senator Obama saying the question of when life begins is above his pay grade, whether you're looking at it scientifically or theologically. If he were to come to you and say, 'Help me out here, Madame Speaker. When does life begin?' What would you tell him?" Having checked previously with the "doctors of the church," except for the ones licensed to practice medicine, said Pelosi, "I don't think anybody can tell you when life begins, human life begins."
She topped it off with another stunner: she told Brokaw she believes, "in natural gas as a clean, cheap alternative to fossil fuels." She repeated it just to make sure we get it.
The Speaker of the United States House of Representatives doesn't know when life begins and she doesn't know that natural gas is a fossil fuel. Forget loyalty oaths for Congress. What we need is a ban on Botox and proof of active brain waves. I say we start drilling in ANWR and move on to Pelosi's skull.
Because Botox numbs the muscles, it can cause the appearance of surprise, which explains why Biden and Pelosi usually look clueless, and why they make the rest of us look like we were zapped with a stun gun.
Jan LaRue served as Chief Counsel at Concerned Women for America, Director of Legal Studies at Family Research Council, and Senior Counsel at the National Law Center for Children and Families. She is currently a member of the Board of Advisors of the Culture and Media Institute, a division of the Media Research Center.