January 20, 2008
The Mature Christian VoterBy Ben-Peter Terpstra
You're not ready to call yourself a "mature Christian voter" if ...
1. You think Jesus cares about carbon credits. Newsflash: He was a carpenter!
2.You think that Jesus calls us to save the earth as opposed to the unborn babies on the earth.
3. You would support Mary's "choice" to abort her unborn baby in a manger.
4. You think that God's humorless. You think that Mitt Romney's Mormons were behind 9/11.
5. You argue that Judgment Day violates the Geneva Convention.
6. You're burning with hot - hot! - rage because daddy's buying little brother an expensive, colorful coat.
7. Your "green pastor" belittles the butch woodchopper I'm dating.
8. You think that God doesn't care too much about sexual promiscuity. Three words: Sodom and Gomorrahcide!
9. You want me to believe that the Bible was written by neo-cons.
10. You advance the position that Obadiah's prophecy against Edom was culturally insensitive.
11. Your church pontificates about the sanctity of unborn trees.
12. You don't like Jesus when he threatens child abusers with millstones hung around necks.
13. You think that Mark Steyn, the conservative Canadian writer, is mean for judging - but then you judge him for judging because...?
14. You think Mary gave birth to too many carbon footprints.
15. You really think that the The Purpose-Driven ® Life Scripture Keeper Plus is a decorative wooden reminder that God has an eternal purpose for every life.
16. You calculate that God's carbon footprint on Sodom was too big.
17. You tell pro-lifers to stuff their genuine views when they don't match your mega-pastor's pro-Hillary ones.
18. You treat Jesus like a bearded girl. Advice: Read No More Christian Nice Guy.
19. You think that Jonah should have saved the sick whale (on the beach) as opposed to Nineveh.
20. You're against the fishermen's big nets, even when they're on a boat with Jesus.
21. You can't believe that Hesperopithecus haroldcookii, aka Nebraska Man, was a hoax. Though, you do concede that "his tooth" looks awfully like a wild pig's.
22. You, the self-righteous Oprah fan, claim that all faiths lead to God. Question: So, Jesus didn't have to die on the cross for my filthy sins?
23. You're happy that Moses escaped Pharaoh's baby killing claws, but still worship "pro-choice" Democrats anyway.
24. You think Jesus likes to decorate tables as opposed to turning them over!
25. You really believe that Hillary's favourite hymn is His Eye Is on the Sparrow.
26. You think that Christian Americans would never vote for Jezebel "just because she's a woman."
27. You think that "Noah's rainbow" is a reminder of God's promise to P-FLAG.
28. You don't like Catholic nuns standing outside of Clinton-backed abortion clinics. But, you really hate it when they sing His Eye Is on the Sparrow because...?
29. You're a "Christian Fabumentalist." Or, a devout Versace customer!
30. You think that Christ is against weapons but can't work out how why he was good at making whips.
31. You think that Jesus should have been a basket weaver as opposed to a carpenter.
32. You're suffering from uranophobia. http://www.panphobia.com/places/uranophobia.htm Meeting Ronald Reagan there scares the life out of you!
33. You think that Jesus told his masculine disciples to sell their swords for clothes. Think again! Or, read the New Testament tonight.
34. You confront Saddleback's Mary and Joseph because they didn't run a leprosy summit with King Herod in order to "to save the children."
35. You love Pastor Rick Warren's Hawaiian shirts.
36. You claim that aborting a baby is never the same as aborting the cure for AIDS. Or Cancer. But babies never grow up to study science, do they?
37. You're against the rod of correction but you're for the fork of choice.
38. You think that Noah's Ark was too inhumane for the obese elephants.
39. You can't work out why Catholics aren't serving John Kerry's communion.
40. You can't imagine Christ walking on water, but you accept Senator Kennedy's miraculous arguments against waterboarding.
41. Your idea of evangelism is supplying clean needles.
42. You support the Reverend Jackson's hands-on-ministry techniques.
43. You refuse to laugh at a Democrat when he says, "The Republicans talk too much about sex."