Some say that Kerry—Edwards is the first metrosexual ticket. But five syllable words do not lend themselves readily to jokes, slogans, or taunts. Clearly, we need a new new slang expression. How about 'pinkneck'?
You know you're a pinkneck if:
you can hardly wait till an all—female NASCAR series is created.
you think the BRAVO channel actually is brave.
you have as your next project the gentrification of your doghouse.
you have a waist measurement that is smaller than your chest and hip measurements.
your brush your teeth more than once a day.
you, as a woman, straighten your hair and, as a man, curl it.
you can see your reflection in your wood—tile floor.
you own more than one cellphone.
you know more about Fantasy Baseball than real baseball.
you consider Starbucks to be too lower—class.
your alarm clock starts your automatic coffee grinder.
you always wear the right shade of shoestrings.
you think John Kerry's hair is just a bit too long and John Edwards' just about right.
you wish John Edwards would have that mole on his right upper lip removed.
you realized immediately that Edwards' mole is on his left upper lip, not the right.
you only favor bombs that kill insects.
you like Opera that is Grand but not Old.
you don't need subtitles for foreign films.
you never write a check.
you list "eating butter" as an instance of personal courage.
you don't own a refrigerator because you don't need one.
you consider three earrings to be excessive without any doubt.
you refuse to write with a ballpoint pen.
you have listened at least once to every CD you own.
you mean the "left" school when you say you want your child to go to the "right" school.
you are so far ahead of trends that you are trying to buy a "fixer—upper" house in the suburbs.
you only smoke cigars if you are a woman.
you drink Jack Daniel's if you are a woman and Chardonnay if you are a man.
you despise humorous lists.
R.L.A. Schaefer is an editor of religious books who lives in Dubuque, Iowa